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Help me put two and two together here . . . maybe it will equal ZERO and I'm imagining things, which is fine by me, I don't need the trouble!
Yesterday mutual friends of exA and I brought over a cord of pine rounds for firewood. This was unannounced, as the puppies had chewed through my phone cord (again). T and M (the mutual friends) just drove up with this wood, which I desperately need. They got it from the exA's "business partner". These two go out on state forest land and get firewood and sell it.
I definitely did not want to involve the exA in anyway, there's a RO and I don't speak to him at all, though he's sent a couple of verbal messages through T and M.
I was willing to do business through the "business buddy" though, as long as it wasn't mentioned it was ME. I should have known this would backfire.
T and M said it would be 120 bucks a cord for the wood. Immediately I said that was way too much for PINE. They assured me it was the going price, and there they were in the yard with the truck loaded down.
Plus, T and M said the exA had another cord of wood he wanted to just give me for free. ExA's AA sponsor had told him he needed to do that for me, whatever. So I thought well, two cords of wood for 120 bucks. OK.
When we unloaded the wood, T and M let it slip they'd all been hanging out together that morning, with the exA, and so now he knows I was going around him for wood. Very special. I wanted to clang their heads together, but let it go. They also handed me a single sheet letter from exA.
Before T and M took off, they said they didn't know IF or WHEN they could get me the wood the exA was just going to give me. "You know how he is," they said, "You never know if he's telling the truth or not".
I waved them away and had a bad feeling.
The letter from exA stated:
Dear Kim, I'm sending this short note along with the wood. I have much to say to you, I pray it be soon that I may leave these burdens, guilt and pain behind. I spoke with my lawyer again yesterday and we will meet in court soon. I have proposed we do 4 or more neutral marital counseling sessions. I have placed my expectations that we may part friends and work out our separation.
If we work toward mending the old or starting a fresh relationship that would be a plus.
I wish to thank you for your hard work, keeping the farm in operation, I wish I was there along side you. I found nothing in my past that pains me as much as being away from our little house in the woods. I would like to start sending money to you by leaving it in envelopes in the mailbox. I see nothing in the court paper work that restricts mail or phone, we will talk about this in our next court appearance.
A
Well, Boy Howdy. The letter bothers me, less than it did when I first read it. I thought the money in the mailbox was a special touch on his part.
So today I went to the feed store, paid the bounced check which finally came back to them (sigh), and got to talking with the owner. He mentioned out of the blue he bought a cord of pine wood rounds from exA and his buddy for 90 bucks LAST WEEK.
So I have this giant ROCK in my chest right now. It is only a suspicion (well, maybe more). T and M are friends, but like many others up here, are very poor and T is drunk most of the time and M is on Klonopin among other things. They have BOTH passed out cold in my house, which is why I don't socialize with them much. But they have been attentive to me, express concern, etc, and frankly, there just aren't very many people around!
I'm starting to think they SOLD me the "free" cord of wood that the exA had put aside for me at the behest of his sponsor. I guess time will tell, if T and M come by and tell me exA flaked out about his supposed cord of wood for me.
And the fact that T asked me to make out the check to HIM, not exA's business buddy. "I'm going to cash it and give it to him," T said.
Am I letting my imagination go nuts on me by wondering how much fun they all had splitting up 120 bucks that I DON'T fricken HAVE?? I feel like I was screwed, a serious GUT feeling.
And the letter from exA . . . I shared it on my domestic violence forum too. What an empty, threatening piece of crap that is. He can take his burdens of pain and guilt and put them in a painful place. I have no doubts IF my suspicions are true that he was part of it.
Should I try to find out what happened? Should I just let this go? Should I respond to this stupid, empty letter? Is there anything TO respond to?
Kim, its all bait. This is what they do. Especially if you have DV/DA issues I would not touch it all with a ten foot pole. That mailbox thing has strings attached. I would not take that bait either. I would drop kick the whole darn mess and let it go and never interact with any of them again. It doesnt matter if you got ripped off or not, what matters is that he got your attention and involvement again and the letter is even more bait. You know the routine. You want to believe, we all do but everytime we do, we end up setting ourselves up.
I say keep yourself clean and turn your back on the whole situation, him, his friends (they are clearly NOT your friends), etc. It sounds like you live out in the middle of nowhere. Is that true? Are there no other people to develop friendships with there? Geez, wish I could help but this is just my opinion- take what you need and leave the rest and HP is there guiding you, you cannot make a wrong move. hugs, J.
PS: I see you trying to make some sense out of this situation and I believe its not worth your effort to try to make any kind of logical sense out of it. Its all bait, its not gonna make any sense so quit trying to figure it out. Move on.
My mind is boggled. LOL I am lost here. I get the gist but I just can't put it together. I would say Yes, you got ripped off. You paid 30 more than the guy down the road AND it might have been free? Ok Ok I have to agree with jean a little here as to cutting ties with all those folks. I know there's only about 3 folks left besides them in the rest of that hillbilly town (sorry hope I don't offend). I would have been gone about 1 month after I served the restraining order but that's just me I like city comforts and OTHER PEOPLE!!! Especially civilized people LOL. I would just take it as lesson learned and if there happens to be money in the mailbox one day I'd take it and spend it up in a hot second but without a peep about it.
I think a stop payment on a check is about $18 but u better get it quick before it's cashed (just another thought)
It's so hard to tell a story with all the details and not have it be an e-book!
Jean: yep, I live near a town of 400 on a mountain. The whole town was wiped out in 2000 by the lumber mill shutting down, so who's left are mainly retirees and people on state assistance with disabilities, ie, people who literally couldn't go anywhere else. The mean income is 23K per year per household.
Plus, my exA in his drugging and carousing made contacts with all these people who aren't above board if you know what I mean.
CG: only in the last couple of weeks have I felt like maybe I can't do this after all . . . no offense taken at ALL about the hillbillies, you lived here for a while, and it's all true. Most of the hillbillies woudn't DO something this underhanded and cruel, knowing I am poorer than they are!
I won't see any money in the mailbox, that is a classic "hoover maneuver", trying to suck me back in. I see that for what it is.
So I think you "get it", either a) T and M the so called "friends" made a 30 dollar profit off of me while lying about the going rate of wood knowing I was desperate, or b) they sold me the "free" wood the exA picked up due to pressure from his sponsor.
T and M are flakey substance abusers, but exA in the past remarked he'd asked them to buy something for him when they went to town and it cost a lot more than he thought it would. I didn't even know them at the time, nor was there a receipt that I remember.
Somehow I just get the feeling that they would do it if they thought they could get away with it.
It is very, very discouraging. All around. I'm trying hard not to catastrophize this.
No catastrophe. Any time you want to come visit the beach let me know, there are lots of retirees from New york here and it's a good mostly non hillbilly atmosphere. LOL
Ah, yes, an addict and his friends. They come over to your house to party, and it's so handy, because they then know what you have that they could steal....
Sounds like you were ripped off, but finding out exactly what happened will do not one little thing towards getting your money back, so I wouldn't waste the energy. It would be different if there was something you could do about it, but in this case that is unlikely. You know if you get the law involved the story will undergo ten thousand changes, and you'll never get anything even if it all goes your way, because the money's already spent.
The letter was really something - notice how it's "our" place?
It's been a good fall here, so maybe an easy winter ( I think you are about 800 miles south of me). Maybe global warming will do us some good for a change....Anyway, you've got some wood, which you needed, and it's one less chore to do.
Sorry Kim, but yeah I think you got took. I'd say chock it up to HP had another lesson for ya. I'm with the others that it is probably not worth pursueing. If money does show up in the mailbox, I don't think I'd touch it with a 10 foot pole.
Maybe if you can ever get the property thing settled you could come up here to St M and check things out. We'd love to have another goat lady in town, and our town pop. is over 2500 and both mills are still running.LOL Plus we have 2(count them 2) Alanon meetings a week, and a 12 step meeting of some sort in the county every day and twice on Saturday. How's that for grown up! LOLOLOL!
Seriously, I think maybe let it go and let God.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Kim: I live around realy flakey awful rip off people. I have to work around them. I cannot,will not and may not beat myself up for being where I am. The reality is that this is the way some people do business. I don't see a reason to get all bent out of shape about it. Yeah its super tough to be poor. But aren't we expecting a bit much to expect people who are out there to be ok? They aren't, may never be and can't be. I am not going to fall into that hole anymore. I try to limit my contact as much as possible. Lately I've been finding that when I don't react its actually awfully boring to deal with people like that.
In theory you can report his letter. He is not supposed to have any contact. Why is thanking you for keeping the farm. He didn't want it enough to get sober. I know the hoover very well. I get that from teh A. I try to focus focus focus on what do I need to do next. Being poor is super tough but I think for me at least trying to make it work with the A is so much harder. You don't have to react. You don't have to beat yourself up. And you don't have to feel ripped off necessarily, they have no conscience so how can they rip anyone off, they have absolutely no conideration for anyone.
I KNOW I was ripped off, but just exactly how and why, I guess it's not so important. And I agree, there's nothing to be done about it but cut off those relationships as well.
It's still hard for me to *believe* people would do that stuff to each other.
And so nice that exA was involved in the planning too.
Maresie, YES I expect people to deal with me honestly, not play pretty to my face and screw me behind my back. I don't give a holy heck what their problem is, it's an automatic write off in my book. I would NEVER do this to someone else, I disagree with Robin Hood on principle. I don't care what life has brought to you, you don't do that crap for ANY reason.
I am seriously bent out of shape about it but I'm also flexible. No, I won't beat myself up about it.
But I WILL react, in order to not have people like that in my life. Other than that, there's nothing to do but let it go.
When you lie down with dogs you get fleas. I didn't even lie down with them, I just let them in my house a few times and they let me "talk" and were supportive and funny. GAWD I must be lonely.
Jen, I LOVE St Maries.
Sometimes I think I should just sell this place, pay the lawyer with the proceeds to take the whole thing to trial and get the hell out of this god forsaken place. A town of 2500 sounds like civilization :) to me. I'll get all my stuff and animals moved and spend a week with CG on the beach :D.
I'm afraid I'm getting "beaten down" by circumstances. This sucks. I'll pray on this one and turn it over, I promise.
Well I think for me in detaching there is a lot of letting go but sometimes our circumstances are less than great. I don't need to heap stuff on myself for that. When I have limited options I have limited options. Yes I agree I do choose actively daily who I deal with. At the same time there are things I can't fix today and tomrorow and the next day. I can work on fixing them. At times I have to deal with people who are awful, rude, totally self serving. I chose to detach when dealing with them. There are also times when I feel lost in this too and wonder will I ever get out. At the same time I absolutely know that of rme this is part of the process of leaving it all does not get solved today. I am ripped off in some form often, I choose to detach, regroup and move on. I no longer go on and on and on about why did hte A take me to this place. He never did look out for my welfare and I personally have to stop wondering why was that. He didn't and that's the fact rather than remonstrating about it.
For me personally I am quite likely to be in a icky ticky horrible place to live for some time. Some days I do better than others with dealing with it. Recognizing I need to make a plan b often is helpful. At the same time I often often feel lonely, fed up, alone, poor and puzzled and at sea with a lot of it. Nevertheless that is for me far far better than dealing with the A on a daily basis.
I see it as a process. Of course for me I want to have my own home, more money, friends, recovery and more. I don't have it yet and I may not have it for a long time but I'm in a process to get there. I know that.
((((((Kim65)))))) Please, my heart goes out to you. I am praying for you right now and hope that some peace will ease the pain that you feel from being ripped off and also for having to admit that Tand M are NO FRIENDS OF YOURS but opportunists.
It seems to be a dreadfully poor place to be and you are amazing to go on working there. I wish I could send you the money that you lost, truly if I had it I would.
My first reaction was STOP THE CHEQUE and truly I think that I would do that anyway, but then I would have to think about the situation hard before I did and the possible reprecussions of doing so; maybe it is best to simply walk away and NOT LOOK back. I would not touch anything that came from that direction again, no matter how desparate for there would be strings attached and I would not want to be attached.
I am living in a town, but I have only just begun to make friends and these are very few; people that I have tested before I trusted. I have gone days and even weeks without contact so I know it is hard because there is no-one to talk to or turn to, but since I found ((((((the family))))))) I do not feel so cut off, because I have been given permission to talk to and share with you all.
Take the whole of this and walk away...protect yourself...and I will pray that God will provide you with an even better answer than we might be able to give you.
Wishing I could hold your hand whilst I say to you, it will be ok, their come-uppance will arrive in time and you will get through. Hang in and let go, let god to eleviate the ache you feel in your heart.
With my love, Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
If it makes you feel any better, I got seriously torked when I bought a pepper grinder off the dollar isle at the grocery store and it fell apart the first time I tried to use it. I know it was only a dollar, and I should of known better, but I feel like I was ripped off for that dollar by the grocery store I trusted. Geez, sometimes you need detachment in strange places.;)
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Back when I had money I bought this cool "media" mouse for my computer, it was like a remote control, very cool.
It crashed my hard drive!! It couldn't be returned, of course. I hate that stuff.
There was no stopping this check, T was pretty antsy about getting to the bank before it closed :) . I would have had about ten minutes after I wrote it to stop payment :) .
I would have never believed my ex would do something like this. I never, ever saw him treat another person like this. T and M . . . well, I am HURT beyond words, but now I know what kind of people they are. But my EX??? Where's my head?? He's an unrepentant drug addict, even losing his home b/c of it hasn't woken him up.
No, mine never did look out for me either, Maresie. It's like, why am I surprised?? His first real communication to me in six months is a letter about him getting rid of HIS pain and burdens, him missing OUR house and some threatening comments about his lawyer and court thrown in for good measure. Not one word about "how are you doing?" He assumes I'm just hunky dory. No, he wouldn't even go that far . . . I'm the one who took his toys away.
I guess calling the cops and getting a RO really made him mad (snort). The beast is revealed.
Heartbroken, your post was very, very comforting and supportive :) Thank you so much for your prayers -- I really need them :)
I had a good cry over this when I went out to feed dinner to everyone. I started thinking about who I would "take with me" when I leave and then I had to stop thinking like that real fast.
Sometimes I am afraid I am just insane to think I can do this. I really want to do it, but I've never done it before, long term anyway, so how could I know what's possible and what's not? People are saying "Oh you are so TOUGH and STRONG" and you know what? To what end? I am tough and strong and persistent enough to drive myself into the ground, I've done it before.
I have much to think about . . . but I refuse to do it tonight. Turning it over . . .
Yeah, but you got some wood. And by posting you gave me a round about figure for a cord when I call next week. So, thank you. You have paid for this relationship with your life, losing some cash to be able to see that those friends are not friends seems like it might be worth it. Lord, if I could have give a toxic friend 30 bucks and then never have to speak to her again, I would have. Gratitude! LOL! Listen, I have a spare room with a big den and full bath I am trying to rent out. New York can be quite as cold as Idaho.....huge back yard, you can bring your goats. Then we can both go visit CG when it gets a bit warmer there!
Can the geese live in your bathroom? There are only ten of them. I'll have to bring the turkeys, too, they think I am their hen.
Thanks for the laugh (as usual!!)
Hardwood will be more expensive, pine burns fast so it's cheaper.
Great way to look at it . . . 30 bucks (or possibly 120) to give me one more reason to thank God the exA is GONE outta my heart, and that this "rooted out" some thieves who would have eventually done something worse.
I feel very alone. Y'all quit inviting me to your houses, you just might get company. If you see a short woman with brown hair and glasses and a bunch of livestock in your front yard, do not call the police, it's just me and I forgot to call you first :D .
How interesting . . . I did pray and turn it over yesterday, several times when I started to feel myself slipping into "I'm surrounded by awful people, I'm all alone". THAT my dears is a horrible feeling, as you know.
Today as soon as I woke (its about six am here), I felt differently about the whole thing. Instead of pain or grief, I just feel MAD, but in a resolved sort of way. "OK, ya got me. Ha ha. Very good, Bonnie and Clyde (and you too, exA). Enjoy it, because that was the last time, you won't have another opportunity."
That place of being hurt is one thing . . . but the resolve, facing the truth of what happened without "wishing it were different" or obsessing about being screwed over . . . well, I just don't feel that right now.
It's like I walked the property line and found a broken part of the fence pushed down by some large intruder. I think oh Gawd, this thing got in and wreaked havoc. Woe is me, I'm surrounded by intruders who want a free dinner of my livestock.
The answer is just to fix the dang fence, maybe a little barbed wire to discourage further attempts, and then move along! That seems to be the message from HP to me. Fix the fence so they can't get back in. Watch carefully for repeated intrusions.
I am going straight to the ex's AA sponsor and I'm going to tell him about this. There's nothing he can do for ME. I just want him to know what he's dealing with, he may need to protect himself. He's offered his home to the exA, not to mention his time and his heart.
I'd like him to know what happened when he tried to "help me".
Tenderheartsks, I'll put a push pin on my map where you live too :D .
Praise the Lord...I am truly delighted that you are mending the fences and adding extra protection... what a way to go.
I will keep on praying for (((you))) and hope that you feel less alone today than you did yesterday. It is a long way to your place, from mine and a mighty ocean separates us, but I know the blessings I asked for are truly on the right flight path straight to you.
With love, Heartbroken.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Maybe a request that he stop "helping", at least by trying to get something out of the A for you. He would of helped more by just finding you a reasonable priced cord of firewood.
Sponsors are human too, and we have had AA friends try to step in and "fix" things that really didn't need fixing. The last time we actually got hurt. Kind of like you. I won't go into detail, but just because they are AA, doesn't mean they have the right to meddle. I'm starting to get more careful about this after getting burned a couple of times. Sometimes people are just well meaning. One that got us was actually trying to manipulate my husbands sobriety. 28 yrs + of sobriety doesn't take away a persons humanness. LOL
Anyway I am glad you are feeling so much better. It is a comfort when we can move past the hurt enough to hear HP's whisper about the lesson involved. I know for me sometimes he has to talk a little louder, but at least he doesn't have to holler any more. OK, OK I'm listening. ;)
Have a great day all!
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
And I did have a legitimate excuse to talk to the AA sponsor, I got a new battery for my atv and he's got a trickle charger.
The AA sponsor said exA has not gone to meetings or talked to him since he "helped him out" by buying the truck he wrecked so exA could pay his lawyer. In light of this last "dis" from the exA, the sponsor guy said he's finished helping him. He even said unprovoked he wishes he'd not gotten codependent about the wood situation. I almost didn't have the heart to tell him what happened, but I did anyway. We parted today saying "Live and learn, huh?"
Desperation has made me pretty vulnerable. But never again, not after this. Especially when there are GOOD people to rely on :)
kim, hey aren't some of his tools there? Sell them and get some wood. I am NOT kidding.
I would never deal with or allow these people near you or your place. They are as sick as he is. Lesson learned ya know?
My A would always say he was not paid for some job. then he came up here and I paid him to work here. He went home and told his mom I did not pay him.
He had stuff hocked, would tell all of us the same story, he needed ten bucks to put on his stuff so they would not sell it...
Yep they will do anything for their drugs.
I always say trust your intuition. Kim yes it is horriblemud here but the rock is helping. I am on crutches all the time now so things are pretty hard.
send me your phone number again would ya? I am getting so I cannot type.
