The material presented
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to exchange
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level.
I'm new here. I've been married for five years now - together for about seven. When we first started dating, we pretty much binge drank together - I didn't drink before I started dating him but as soon as I started dating him I started (again). During my youth, I had binge drank but gave that up when I was in my 20s. Shortly after starting to date him, we started getting into arguments - screaming arguments where our issues were never resolved. Drinking obviously didn't help things. After about eight months, we got engaged and I moved in with him. We argued more and more until I realized our drinking wasn't helping things and I quit. My husband continues to drink. He doesn't drink as much as he used to and most of the time he doesn't get drunk but at least once or twice a month, he gets drunk and we end up arguing. During these arguments, he accuses me of various things - according to him, our marital problems are my fault.
My husband has on at least six different occassions told me he was quitting. He'll go a couple of days without drinking but always starts again. And then the same old cycle starts. He starts out drinking only a little, then something sets him off and he starts getting drunk again. Then it finally escalates into him verbally assaulting me. The next day or so, he'll tell me he needs to quit and he does for a while. Then the cycle will start again.
There are many, many other issues in our marriage including a lack of physical intimacy, an inability to resolve problems, a lack of respect, a lack of trust, etc etc etc. During the course of our marriage, we have seen two therapists together. He quit seeing both of them and I continued seeing both on my own (not at the same time). Both therapists have expressed to me that he is an alcoholic, as well as having anger issues. I have been having a very hard time coming to grips with this - for the most part, he doesn't get drunk every night. His drinking on a "normal" night ranges from nothing to 3 beers, or a couple of glasses of wine, or one Martini. But then he seemed to be hiding empty bottles. And he was drinking hard liquor (not alot, but a shot or two or three) downstairs without my seeing it.
We just completed another cycle. He got drunk last Wednesday night and "verbally vomited" on me and my family again. The next day, he told me he was "pie-eyed" the night before and needed to "quit that stuff". I told him we needed to talk about it and suggested we talk over the weekend.
I was afraid to start the conversation. I was afraid because any kind of conversation about any problem devolves into an argument and he blames me for everything.
Needless to say, he didn't initiate any conversation. Finally, today at work I called him and initiated the conversation. When asked, he said he was going to quit drinking. I asked if he thought he needed any help - he said he could do it on his own. He asked if that was all I wanted to talk about. I said it wasn't and asked if he thought counseling for himself would help. He asked if I was going to address any of my issues or if it was all about him. I said that was what was on my agenda but if he wanted to bring up anything about me, he could. So he asked what I was going to do about our lack of relationship. I told him I would take responsibility for initiating physical contact and he said that wasn't what he was talking about - he wanted to know what I was going to do about our total lack of a relationship. He said that he thought 90% of the problem(s) lay with me. He told me that he wasn't going to go see a counselor but I could continue to see one.
He finally got me angry and I told him that however he did it, he needed to quit drinking. If he started drinking again, I was going to seek a divorce. I told him that he was part of the problem, too, and he needed to deal with it.
The entire time, I really tried to keep calm. From the very first sentence I uttered, I could hear him getting defensive, then angry. Then he reached a point and he just started to blame me for everything, probably to take the attention off him and his drinking.
I feel like crying. He truly feels like he has made no contribution to our problems. He blames me for everything.
Did I mention we have a three year old son?
He is so good at making me doubt myself and making me think that perhaps it IS all me. I spend all my time examining my part in all our problems and he literally spends no time. And, yes, I have done my fair share of contributing to our problems.
I don't even know what I'm asking here...I guess I just want to know if this is...normal.
It sounds like you know what the problem is. Welcome to MIP! Go to www.alanon-alateen.org and look up where local meetings are in your area. The people at these meetings will know exactly what you're living with and will be able to help you if you want to learn how to live differently. You've tried everything you know; now try something different. If you're ready to do that, look up meetings in your area. Additionally, by taking care of yourself, you'll feel alot better about the world around you. It's a funny thing: by taking control of what you actually CAN control, you'll let go of what you CAN'T. And you'll feel ALOT better. Keep coming back!
We don't have "ways" to get your alcoholic to stop drinking, but we have ways that will make you feel better, stronger, and more able to cope with whatever life throws your way.
When I first discovered this board, I did a lot of reading of posts, old ones too. Just doing that broke through my isolation, and my heart felt SOO much lighter knowing I wasn't alone. We all have different alcoholics, different dilemmas, and we're all in different places in our recovery. But our pain is the same, and the Alanon program is big enough to address all of it.
Best to you and keep coming in and posting, even if just to vent. That's where we all start, and we certainly understand.
Welcome. Glad you stopped in and hope you come back! I ditto what has already been said. Seek some f2f al-anon meetings. Take one step at a time, one day at a time. You really can't focus on what he needs to do, focus on what you need to do. Al-anon will help you find a way to deal with whatever is in your path, whether or not your ah seeks what is best for him.
This is such a hard life for all those involved in an alcoholics life! Just keep coming back, it will take time, but it will get better.
Geez. He called me back a few hours later and wanted an apology from me for "threatening" a divorce and for telling him that he "verbally vomited" on me. He wanted to know where I got the phrase "verbally vomit" from and I said from myself. I asked him if he was implying I got it from someone else and he got mad but asked if my therapist had used those words.
I told him I wasn't apologizing - I was setting a boundary.
I drank when I met the A. I didn't drink a lot but I drank at night to ease stress. Eventually I realised it wasn't helping and stopped. The A went underground with his stuff then. I think he has always resented I stopped.
Like you this was a long haul relationship for me 7 years. Right now we are separated and I have to say it is very hard. At the same time it is a huge relief. The self doubting is a big issue for me. These days I know I deserve better.
There are some great books,some you can even read on the internet. Melody Beattie is a real joy to read about codependency. The Al anon books are also really helpful.
I find myself reading Melody every day if I can. Her articles on pain help a great deal especially lately when it seems like I've been immersed in pain.
The other night the A said oh did you go to therapy this week like it is all my problem everything is ripped up and destroyed. He takes no responsibility at all. He does I think talk to some people at the clinic he goes to but I think he paints a wonderful picture of it all somehow never being his fault. That is the key for me his total lack of responsibility.
None of us get out of this stuff without a fair bit of anxiety, pain, anger and more. This is a great great great place to come and work through a lot of that. I think it is also a place to be understood. So much of the A's behavior seemed completely unexplainable to others. I don't anymore. I had a friend call me today. She's heard we have separated. I say very little to anyone who isn't in Al anon because I don't feel understood at all.
I was here a good year before I even started a plan b. The key is to let al anon in for a while and get the feeling of being known and cared about in the program. Then you have support and care and love to get through whatever you do. None of us is going to tell you what to do. No one here is going to demand you leave/stay/stand on your head whatever. The issue is we have all been there on some level and no one needs to be "told" what they "shoulda, coulda woulda done". The magic of al anon is for me in the being understood and known. I know it is also in the tools, the more I detach the less I am totally overwhelmed. Without al anon I would be sick physically by now I know that much.
